Dinner vs. Dessert Friends
I’ve been in situations where a friend has asked me to grab dinner, and I thought to myself, “I would rather grab dessert.” This isn’t because I didn’t have the time or loved them any less. It’s because the conversations we have are very short and sweet, just like dessert. So, I call these my “dessert friends.” FULL DISCLAIMER: If I’ve grabbed dessert with you before, this doesn’t mean you qualify as strictly a “dessert friend,” and vice versa.
I’m often reminded that we’re at an age where we get to be picky. Picky about our boyfriends/girlfriends, careers, and—most importantly—our friends. I say "most importantly" because I truly believe that if you want to understand what someone is like, you should take a look at their closest friends. Our friends are our people before the boyfriends and girlfriends, and they’re usually there through it all. They have the largest influence on our lives, whether we recognize it or not.
It’s true that some friendships require space after spending a certain amount of time together. But there’s a type of friendship that’s less often discussed—one where you can only hang out for so long because the conversation reaches a limit. It may even feel like a first date each time you see them. “How are you?”, “How have classes been?”, “How is work going?”, “What do you have going on this week?” “Yes, it’s been so crazy busy.” Yes, these are important things to ask before diving into deeper conversation with someone, but sometimes, the conversation stops right there. Then, you proceed to dance around the same surface-level topics. These are what I call “dessert conversations” because the conversations are just like dessert—short and sweet!
On the other hand, there are also “dinner friends.” The friends you not only grab dinner with, but who reach out routinely to hear about all of YOU. They ask about your work, classes, and/or recent struggles (or achievements) because they already know what you’ve been working toward or against. In fact, they may even ask what you made for dinner this week because they’re in need of inspiration. They may go even further to invite you to dinner (because there’s “so much to talk about”)—see how this works? The “so much to talk about” topics can be great or terrible, but it wouldn’t matter because these “dinner friends” have already heard about these highs and lows. They know the depths of your life and appreciate your vulnerability.
These “dinner friends” are the kinds of friends I crave at this age. The conversations are just like dinner should be—rich and savory. You deserve to have people in your life who truly care. In fact, it’s easy for people to care, but what’s harder than caring is following up or checking in.
I recently read in The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins, “You’re the one who is choosing who gets your time and energy and who doesn’t. That is where your power lies.” I loved this, and I found it to be very true. I encourage everyone to have both dessert and dinner friends and to understand that different levels of depth in friendships exist. It’s nothing to feel guilty about, but rather it’s healthy as it may encourage boundaries. This metaphor has helped me understand why I may not be a priority on someone’s list, yet they are on mine. It’s also important to remember that the list for either can always change—nothing is ever permanent.
A little something extra: The metaphor “dinner vs. dessert friends” is entirely my own, and it’s something I came up with when trying to plan things during a busy week. We all have 24 hours in a day, but what we do with those 24 hours varies per person. The past few months during my work “busy season,” I was working about 60 hours per week, and I truly had to find a way to balance the time outside of work between myself and my relationships. This metaphor helped me greatly, and I hope it can help anyone else too.
